If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
