So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
