Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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