just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
