Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
