dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
