This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Less talking, more tequila
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
