did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
he high fived his dick after we had sex
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
