i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
