Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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