worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
