you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
