He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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