dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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