if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It's never too late to be topless.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
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