I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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