I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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