I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
God, I missed his penis.
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