Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
