You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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