And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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