I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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