What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
