I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
