Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
