Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
