Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
