shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
