You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
