I am puke
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
