Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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