He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
