Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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