Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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