he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I wish there were birth control emojis
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
