im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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