apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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