Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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