I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
