So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
