I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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