i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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