You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
