flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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