Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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