He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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