I could make wine with my vomit
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
