dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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