If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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