At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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